Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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