you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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