Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
