Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
