Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
