dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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