i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
