my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize