Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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