I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The maid of honor just puked.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
