I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize