Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
