dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
