Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
