I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
