which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
