Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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