Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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