Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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