Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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