tonight lets celebrate not being married
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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