woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize