My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
