DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
