Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
