Need sex. Gaining weight.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
