Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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