dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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