Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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