hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
false alarm, still single
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
