god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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