I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
