So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
