When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize