I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
