i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
