Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
