Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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