Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
