you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A+ Viking dick
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize