seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
