oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
