everyone is single if you try hard enough
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize