dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
