Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
