Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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