i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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