if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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