Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
