i want to swaddle you in tequila
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
