I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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