I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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