so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
