I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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