you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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