____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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