I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
