i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
