Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
