Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think my moral compass just broke
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
