Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize