That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
