Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
